EXTRA: How many penis metaphors can we find in a story about porn?

by Tironius, created Monday, April 21, 2008, with permalink

We count the number of dick references in recent article in Variety

Here’s how it works: when we find a cheesy metaphor to cock in the explanation of this industry, it will be highlighted in italic type with a number to its corresponding sidenote — like this one — where a colorful explanation of things awaits. The original article is entitled, “Hard times ahead as porn goes soft?”Cocky Variety columnist Peter Bart writes about the economy’s effect on pornography sales, and my friends, does this prick stiffly nail it with the double entendres, painting the industry’s downturn with penetrating metaphorical visuals of the male member, thus creating a fun game for all of us to find and critique each one. Let’s probe this article and find just how many times can a writer use the same gag? (Note: sorry IE users, you’ll have to sit this one out.)

1, 2 & 3: It’s a one-two-three punch right out of the gate, folks, as this column launches with two great puns before lift-off. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s certainly ‘hard times’ indeed equating financial uncertainty of an industry with a good old fashioned erect penis — fleshy, at attention, and ready to impale, this pun aims to please. And not six words later do we see — BOOM! — the right hook as this editor, or his staff!, has tons of fun with this headline as the industry’s push for softcore porn is described with the wrinkled winky of an apologetic virgin. Surely, these writers have blown their load already in just the first few words! Not true, theirs more pearls of thick, white comedy ahead.

Hard (1) times ahead as porn goes soft? (2):
Apatow, Segel look below the belt (3) for laughs

by Peter (4) 4: Do we count this one? Judges say ‘No’ as this is clearly not an intended pun, but rather a horrible, horrible choice by a mother who is clearly unaware of the cruelty of schoolyard children. Still funny. Bart

Economists are citing some dire portents of a recession these days, but they’ve missed one indicator I find especially disturbing: The porn business has suddenly gone flaccid (5). 5: Folks this goes to show these guys not are playing hardball here. It’s out there, unabashed and in-your-face. You can’t help but smell the smegma on this stinker. The drop in porn rentals and sales is worrisome on several fronts: Till now, porn has been a recession-proof business. Further, with the country already in a dispirited mood (6), 6: Oh! He’ll lose points on this one, guys, as this was clearly an opportunity for a nice ‘have a headache’ joke, here. the fact that porn has gone limp (7) 7: Checking the scoreboard now. He’s got a respectable six, folks, and we’re not talking inches. (This is counting the ‘dispirited mood’ lame-o-riffic reference, though we really shouldn’t.) may indicate a true plunge in consumer confidence.

DVD porn is down between 10% and 30%, depending on which nook and cranny of the business you scrutinize. Joy King, executive vice president of Wicked Pictures, and a smart analyst of the business, says the smallest dropoff is in “couples-friendly porn” — films that embrace something of a storyline. Women account for roughly half of this audience, making their purchases in lingerie boutiques and toy stores (no, not kiddie toys).

By contrast, that sector called the “gonzo” side of the business is in serious need of fiscal Viagra. (8) 8: Boom!, and there it is folks. Viagra pops out its purple, ugly head surprisingly late in the story. No stranger to comedy, everyone, Viagra is a force to be reckoned; a gift that just keeps on giving and giving and giving in the comedy world. Guys with an appetite for “gonzo” are going unrequited, which may help account for the closing of many DVD emporiums like the Movie Galleries in the Midwest.

One beneficiary of these trends is online porn — a business that’s lofty in traffic but shriveled (9) 9: Like a scared turtle — Jerry Seinfeld taught us that — this nice metaphor makes money easy to understand: Less money = a tiny winky. Makes me want to be an economist! in terms of revenue. With sales declining across the landscape, employees at big corporations have a lot more time to check out the three-minute porn clips flashing across their computers. To the serious porn players, some of these clips are beyond hardcore — they’re, well, mega-gonzo.

Porn proprietors are doing what they can to meet their business challenges. Wicked Pictures, for example, is recycling its biggest hits, so customers can acquire “Space Nuts,” “Manhunters” and “Flashpoint” in one svelte — well — package (10). 10: I prefer the term ‘one svelte basket.’

At the same time, other producers are cutting production costs and special effects. Since these films already are made on skimpy budgets of $50,000 to $75,000, these cuts are not welcomed by the porn filmmakers. At the same time, some of their actors won’t mind completing their tasks in one take, rather than *wrestling (11) 11: Not counting it. Nope. No-siree.

Still, veterans of the porn trade are edgy about the downturn. A generation ago, they recall, when authorities cracked down on “Deep Throat” and closed many of the porn palaces, the country promptly fell into a serious recession. Economists attributed this setback to the ups and downs (12) 12: Did Peter slip one in while we were sleeping? We’re cautiously calling this one a ‘No.’ of energy prices, but porn analysts insist other sorts of fluctuations play a more urgent role in consumer confidence. 13: This dead horse keeps on getting beaten. Is there no mercy for the joke that wears thin — thin like tender, sensative skin?

Members-only (13) club?

There’s a certain dark irony in the fact that, amidst the squeeze (14) 14: Oh no he didn’t! He’s back in the game, folks! Gone are the jokes about erection status, here come the wanker jokes. Bring them on, I say. Bring. Them. On. in porn, Judd Apatow appears to be on a crusade to defy the code by making the full-frontal phallus an important co-star of all his films. In “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” the latest release from the Apatow comedic assembly line, there are not only abundant dick jokes but also abundant dicks.

Until recently, the unofficial policy of the MPAA code was that the presence of a penis meant an automatic NC-17 rating. But Apatow, who has scored with films like “Knocked Up,” “Walk Hard,” “Talladega Nights” and “Superbad,” seems increasingly dependent on below-the-belt humor. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” opens with a fairly tight shot of Jason Segel’s member and, as if to push the joke, it closes with yet another one. Apparently Segel doesn’t mind — he wrote the script as well as starred (Segel clearly is plugged into Apatow humor, as a graduate of “Freaks and Geeks”).

15: It says that the country is saying, ‘Enough, already!’ to the same joke repeatedly pounding and pounding over and over again at the soft pink tissue of their brains. All right, everyone, that is it, as they say. And what’s the final total for number of double entendres in an article about pornography?: — Drum roll please… — TWELVE! Twelve hilarious dick jokes et al. for one article about pornography.

Is Apatow merely trying to be naughty? Evidence suggests that the shrewd young comedy writer-director has been successful in attracting the dating crowd — yes, both girls and boys — to his raunchy escapades. Further, testing shows that young women usually laugh at the sight of a pathetic penis.

So that news will send the purveyors of porn into yet another panic. At a time when “gonzo” is fading, “limp” is in. What does that say about the mood of the country? (15)

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