Programs sometimes take a step back

Do you step with them?

Like a good little boy, much like all of you*, * No girls allowed!I update my programs and OS’s to keep together this utopian existence, allowing me worry-free days and care-free morns, and all that shit. But alas, boys and ghouls, updating can sometimes lead to heartache, trouble, and fantasies of infanticide†. † Hey, babymurder is how I cope, OK?

A small example—which I will lead then to my biggest cautionary tale—is my update of the iPhone game called Labyrinth. Before, it was a nice little free game that I could show to people and invoke awe and wonder toward the iPhone. But, hark! updating today brought with it, not the free app I so enjoyed before, but rather a begging troll that gave me just a taste of fun, yet denied me further laughter. This newest version of Labyrinth for iPhone added new features and new limitations: a time-clock to test your speed as you maneuver the ball into the right hole; and a nagging message telling me I had reached the end of what was free. Labyrinth now wants me to pay. That would be fine, if I had known what I was getting into. But nowhere did the release notes say, “Hey, dude, this shit ain’t free no more.”

So, fuck you Carl Loodberg, author of Labyrinth for iPhone. Suck my balls.

This isn’t the first time to deal with this asshole. My key to unlock the limited shareware version stopped working, and I had to beg by email for him to please, oh please give me the right to use what I payed for.

Speaking of balls, a huge set are drooping below the taint of programmer David Watanabe, creator of two otherwise great Mac applications, Acquisition and Xtorrent.‡ ‡ Both of which I payed. In this sordid tale, I am the moron, yet a double-dealer is he. For you see, I trusted what my Acquisition app was telling me. It said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Hey you, I have a new version ready to download. I’m much better now. So download, won’t you?” Like a million other times, I downloaded the update. This was different than the other times, I suppose, because this went from “1.0” to “2.0.” Like an idiot, I replaced the existing version in my Applications folder with the new version. But, uh oh! Acquisition now tells me he is no longer fully functional. He now caps my downloads after an hour and randomly eliminates search results. I’ve reverted to fucking shareware! Hi, David, I payed for Acquisition, so can I have my old version back? I can’t seem to find a working link, anywhere. Hey, I know you don’t need to continually provide a link, but don’t be a douchebag. Prove to us this isn’t a scheme to trick idiots like me into erasing their current copies and forcing them to pay all over again.

So, fuck you David Watanabe, and you, too, can suck on big, hairy, caucasian balls and wonder why they are so much bigger. P.S. I loved you in The Last Samurai.

Labels: Apple, Cartoon, Technology