One of the highlights of my existence is to know the man behind the pseudonym “Q–Pounder.” Q, by the way, was the brilliant man to come to this esteemed club’s name, The Asian Pussy Pounders. Having known Q for the better part of six years, one of his endearing traits is his lack of impulse control combined with absolutely no basis in grounded reality in his ideas, or “schemes,” as I like to call them, very similar to Lucy Ricardo from I Love Lucy.

Every couple of months or so, Q’s friends will be told the latest plan for riches and human-betterment that usually require much more know-how or infrastructure one ex-LSD tripping college student can provide. We would never think to cage such a free spirit with our “reality” and “common sense,” but rather enjoy the unabashed, unrestrained enthusiasm to each novel idea put forth by our colleague, the esteemed Q–Pounder.

[Quick history: Q–Pounder has multiple undergraduate degrees and one master’s degree from an esteemed midwestern university. He is currently pounding Chinese pussy in mainland China. He is married to said pussy and forever shackled to its labia.] And without further adieu, I give you the best-of list, The Crazy Schemes of Q–Pounder. They are funny because they are absolutely real.

Within the coarse of six years, Q–Pounder has pushed to us the idea of…

1. Bringing an infrastructure of healthcare to the nation of China, pitting one college student against the entire communist regime.
2. Opening a fitness gymnasium in Japan, because that country lacks in such.
3. Building a system of CDs or tapes or reading materials that encompass a framework of mnemonic devices for the aid in memory and learning of the Japanese language.
4. A website for anti-social, culture-jamming endeavors entitled Post Modern Play.
5. A grass-roots, no-budget video game wherein college friends would quit their endeavors in academia to live in China for one year for said game’s development, as well as the gathering of Chinese locals as cheap labor to aid in this course.
6. Building a one- or two-man public relations operation.
7. An educational role playing video game to teach the wonderment of socio-economical discourse, with little thought to what it would take to program such a system
8. Homemade board games
9. Homemade variant on the game of Chinese chess; in fairness, this came into fruition and was played by Q–Pounder and Q’s friends and family.
10. A variation on the number one scheme: to build specifically a cancer clinic in Guonzhou, China