So I heard an interesting story at work today. For my homies who don't know, I am the "Guest Service Ambassador" for an upscale mall in the southern part of San Francisco. That is gay marketing-speak for a customer service rep. position, wherein I tell people where the bathroom is. I stand or sit in my booth, mainly chit-chatting with the nearby purse kiosk salesman and the mall security.

This story is a second-hand account from a mall security officer. All true:

One of the stores in the mall, a place where people can buy frames and have their lenses crafted (hint), called security after witnessing a man stuffing his shirt with glasses frames.

Security arrives, the man is asked to leave. Security receives another call from another store that sells sporting goods. They quickly learn it is the same dude. This time, since the guards are able to bare witness to the offender committing the crime, which in this case is tresspassing (enacted once they asked the man to leave the grounds the first time), it's arrestin' time.

As this story was told to me, the guards frantically chase the man up and around the property, all the way to the nearby college, where they tackle Mr. Crackhead and promptly take him to the mall headquarters.

"I need to take a shit!" the man says while handcuffed in the security office.

"No, we will not let you go to the bathroom," was the general response.

"If you don't let me go to the bathroom, I'll just drop my pants right here and shit on the floor!"

"Go ahead," was the answer.

Now, there's where the guards made their mistake. You see, the foundations of society present in most human beings, those that would cause shame, embarrassment and guilt, were absent in the mind and spirit of this gentleman, replaced with the free-thinking spirit and go-get-'em attitude you would expect from someone to have recently smoked a rock.

Mr. Crack-addict called their bluff (and, I'm assuming he had the presence of mind to know it was a bluff and not, say, merely words from a giant spider with the face of Andrew Jackson).

"Plop!" goes the first tube of human feces to land on the office floor of a man who has pulled his drawers down and pubicly deficated on lenoleum in front of mall security guards.

More bluntly: The man was taking a shit on the floor, and unfortunately all this took place on my day off.

But here's where the story gets funny: Cracky McFeces pulls out the afore-mentioned glasses frames, shouts "Do you want these?!" and proceeds to completely shove not one, but two (2) glasses frames up his ass.

Ouch! The moral, my fellow Asian Pussy Pounders: Don't bluff a crackhead.

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